God Why? by Nick Bushart

*A note from the moderator: Once again, we like to note that we here at the Baptist Student Union value the spiritual gifts and God-given talents of our students.  Please enjoy this poem from Nick Bushart.*

God! Are you there? God, where are you? Why are you not here? Can you even hear me? Where did my God of strength and power go? Have you deserted me?

 

God, why would you let that happen to him? I know age is only a fleeting second, but why did you let him hurt? Why did he have to feel that pain? And why couldn’t I be there? Why can’t I see him one more time and just hug him, talk to him, and thank him for everything he did for me? I know there is no more pain for him, but why do I not feel peace? I love him. I miss him. I am jealous of time I missed.  God, why?

 

God, why does no one understand? I call out for help, for love, for anything and all that returns is “I’m too busy” or stares of judgement? Why can’t people see my hurt? Why don’t people care? I sit all alone at meals, on my couch, everywhere just watching the smiles and laughter of others, and I don’t know why I can never sustain those moments. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I can stand in a crowd of people and feel like I am alone in the wilderness. I can’t escape the thoughts of other’s judgements on me. I run and push away those that I love, and it just leads to more sleepless nights of wrestling the thoughts that run my mind. God, why can’t I please people? Why do I fail so much? God, why?

 

God, what is the point of school? It just builds up failure in my life. Why can’t I reach the approval of my parents? Why do I feel like a failure? I feel like I am constantly just trying to find an “I’m proud of you,” and I always fall short. I lose a little of myself every time I hear an “I’m disappointed in you.” I try, and I work for a pinnacle that I can never reach. Studying, class, and homework have me exhausted. What can I do? God, where are you? God, why?

 

God, you are just like everyone else. No answers for me! I finally am just honest with you about my struggles. And yet still no answer. The only thing that seems to care about me is sin. And I KNOW it is sin. I know what I shouldn’t be doing, but at least for that moment I feel something. It may be regret, pain, or guilt, but I feel it. God, why do I desire it? Why do I desire sin? I put on this facade that I am all together and that I know what I am doing. But inside I am more wretched than everyone else. My mind and heart crave things of this world. Lord, do you not know me? I thought I knew you, but was that real? Was that just an emotional outburst of regret? Fear? Was I just caught in sin and wanted a way out? God, why?

 

Be Still, My Child.

 

You want me to do what? How can I be still? I have a project and test this week. I have work tomorrow morning! And you want me to be still? God, why?

 

My Child, Be Still and Know I AM God.

 

Know you are God? You know I know who you are. You know I know all about you. I know you are creator and savior of the world. I know you are the God of the Israelites and Jews. I know that you came down as 100% man and 100% God and walked this Earth. I know you lived 33 years, and I know you were a Great Teacher. I know you were killed and died on the cross. I also know you rose again three days later. Why is that a question if I know? God, why?

 

My Child, do you believe that?

 

Yes, God! But why would you do let these things happen to me? Why would you allow depression and loneliness to take over me? Why would you allow ignorance of people and even the deaths of my loved ones? GOD, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

 

My beloved Child, I have never turned my back or forsaken you. I will never leave your side. I was with you when you faced grief from death. I was with you when you were standing in that crowd all alone. I was with you when you were crying in your room.

I am with you now as you call out to me.

 

But, God, if you were there, why didn’t you do anything? Why did you let those things happen?

 

Do you not see? Every situation that has happened I have been waiting with my arms opened wide, and every time you have turned your back on me. Child, you cannot live life on your own. Child, rest on me. Make me the center of your life and feel the peace of my presence. Nothing you can do will make me love you any less. I LOVE YOU.

 

Father, I am so sorry! Why, God, are you even still here? I don’t deserve you!

 

My Child, Be Still And Know I Am God.

 

 

“Be Still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations,

 I will be exalted in the Earth!”

Psalm 46:10

 

Nick Bushart is a senior Integrated Marketing and Communications major from Memphis, TN.  He serves as Vice President at the BSU.