And God said sex was good.

Some people have been exposed to it in a negative light, from abuse or other situations; this is not how sex was intended.  Genesis 2:18 says “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”  Notice how this is the only time in creation that God said something was not good:  when man was alone.  Unless God called you to a single life, He has someone for you.  The highest divorce rate now is for couples who have been married for 25 years, and rates for divorce and promiscuity are the same both in and out of church.  What does this say about people claiming to be living a Christian life?

Genesis 2:25 says “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”  God created us in His image; He created sex, along with the body parts, desires, and everything else to go with it.  He did this because it was good, intended for procreation as well as enjoyment.  Two common trends are that men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love.  Your job as a Christian is to guard and be guarded by your fellow Christians.

There are many parts to fulfilling sex.  You should read and study about it (see the books listed at the end).  Know that the first time is always the worst, but also know that it gets better.  Be slow and creative, keeping in mind that women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves.  Other key words with which to associate sex:  light, laughter, passionate, exhilarating, all night and every day, fun, play, and sensuous worship.  Yes, sex—when between a husband and wife, as the Lord intended—is worship; it’s a fellowship opportunity for the two to share a little piece of heaven on Earth.

In light of the verse following it, Ephesians 5:21 is often left unattended; it states that Christians are to “[submit] to one another in the fear of God.”  Each man must learn to be a bride (to God) before he can be a bridegroom (to his wife).  Both men and women are to submit to God!  You are to use each other’s strengths.  The two responsibilities of Adam and men are laid out in Genesis 2:15:  “The LORD God took the man and placed him in the garden of Eden to work it and watch over it.”  Men are to work and nurture the garden, their women.  They are to watch over their wives as they walk with the Lord, nurturing as God nurtures everyone.  As Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”  Men are supposed to lead as the head of their wives, being examples of Christ, who is the head of His wife, the church.  Once single men realize this job of being models of Christ, they can learn to buffet their desires and have the responsibility to say no to promiscuity.  Set your boundaries beforehand, because you won’t be able to make the right decision in the heat of passion later on.  Be accountable with others, and you will all gain strength.

Husbands are commanded in Ephesians 5:25-27 to love as Christ did:  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”  By loving like He does and cleansing their women with the Word, men can make their wives holy.  Being deeper in the Word makes for less uncontrollable desire, allowing men to present their ladies holy and blameless at the weddings.  Men, you have what it takes because it is how God created you:  male.

Wives, on the other hand, are commanded in Ephesians 5:22 and 24 to submit:  “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”  Here, the definition of submit is “to come alongside”.  If a man is doing as he should (loving, nurturing, etc.), then submission should be easy; marriage should not be a power struggle.  Submit as to Him.  When both husband and wife look to Jesus and not to each other for nitpicking on each other’s jobs, marriage goes a lot more smoothly.  It’s not about happiness; rather, it’s about obedience.

Stay pure.  This means no sex until marriage; see Hebrews 13:4:  “Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers.”  Since He made humans, God does know how hard it is to stay away from each other.  He points it out in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, saying that couples should stay separate only as long as they can for fasting.  “A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”  Your body is not solely yours once you marry, and it is to be enjoyed.  God once again points out the pleasure of sex in Proverbs 5:18-19: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.”  However, marriage still takes effort.

Just like you have to keep up your relationship with Jesus through weekly services, daily quiet times, and more, you also have to maintain your marriage relationship through regular rejuvenation and continual loving effort.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that “though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.  And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”  This is saying that you cannot stand alone, and while you are stronger with a spouse by your side, the completion of the cord with Jesus as the third person in your relationship is what holds things together.

No marriage is perfect.  Mistakes do happen, and that is why we have God and His redemption.  Romans 8:1 tells us that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” meaning that we have complete freedom and redemption.  You know that God will help you endure because of what 1 Corinthians 10:13 says:  “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”  How comforting it is to know that the Lord of all creation is there to help you through your troubles, no matter how big or small.  Recall the tale in John 8 about the woman caught in the act of adultery; after sending away her accusers by pointing out their own imperfectness, Jesus says, in verse 11, “…Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”  Go, and sin no more because you are so loved and not condemned.

Whenever you’re feeling guilty because of being tempted, remember that Jesus Himself was tempted in every way that you are.  He overcame the temptations and walked out stainless, without sin.  So, know that He can aid you with empathy; Hebrews 2:18 says, “For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.”  Temptation consists of the following parts:

T – Thought (a seed; planted by a billboard, show, etc.)

E – Explore (imagination; germinating the seed within you)

M – Impersonate (identification; understanding and internalizing the temptation)

P – Passion (desire; a natural function, wanting to fulfill the temptation)

T – To agree (will; mentally accepting the idea)

S – Say “go” (consent; finalizing and going through with the temptation)

Saturation fills the needs for acceptance, fulfillment, conquest, getting even, self-esteem, power, control, and intimacy.  Real love, on the other hand, fills the gaps for what is best for the other person.  Get to know your God in an intimate (“into me”) way, and you will receive what you need to have what is best for you.

Each person has a sin that entangles him so easily, be it adultery, gossip, or any other sin.  The way to overcome the biggest chinks in your armor is to set aside whatever is hindering you and look to Jesus, as Hebrews 12:1-2 says.  “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Genuine love always asks what is best for the other person; Jesus definitely had your best interests in mind when He displayed His love for you on the cross.

Note that only 1 out of every 1150 couples who participate together in Bible studies, worship services, and other God-glorifying acts end in divorce.  This is a much better statistic than the general 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce, and it brings merit to the saying that the couple that prays together stays together.  Memories are made of a combination of opportunities and commitment, but a mess is made of obligation without commitment.

The Lord is the God of second chances.  Repentance is a turning process; instead of going from temptation to guilt, turn away from the temptations.  Learn to listen to God instead of the enemy by staying in fellowship with other believers.  When with your spouse, make sure to take time to be intimate, spend time looking into each other’s eyes, smile, do the little things, be uninhibited, and make more time to be together.  Men:  take time for sex, romance your wife, pray for your wife, thank God for sex, look for ways to help your wife, and talk about your needs.  Women:  stroke your husband’s ego and compliment him, have sex, pray for your husband, thank God for sex, and take time to prepare for your husband’s homecoming.  Get to know both your spouse and your God intimately.

Some highly recommended books for extra reading:

Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage

and

Love and War Participant’s Guide: Finding the Marriage You’ve Dreamed Of

by John and Stasi Eldredge

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

by Kevin Leman

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men

and

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women

by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

Marriage is not to be taken lightly because it is ordained by God.  Genesis 2:22-24 describes the creation of woman and why a man and his wife are considered as one flesh:  “Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.  And Adam said:  ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  Adam and his new wife Eve turn right around, however, and in Genesis 3 fall into sin.  God knows you need Him.  Though you struggle against Him, He still pulls you toward Him.  He looks forward to seeing you as half of a couple, joined in holy matrimony.  God was disgusted by sin in the fall but still wanted a relationship with the sinners and eventually sent His son, the groom, to meet humankind, the bride.  For this bride, the dress won’t matter.  People often get so worked up over weddings—the dress, the attendees, the ceremony, the cake—but all the frivolity is forgotten in the sincerity of the moment when it finally arrives.  The only things the bride and groom can focus on are the vows and each other, since those are the things that truly matter at a wedding.

Although the honeymoon may make you think so, marriage will not be perfect.  There will be ups, and there will be downs.  It is more than a friendship or a relationship; it is a process of two people becoming one.  You keep learning more about each other with every passing year; it gets better with each experience you share.  Though tragic accidents, having children, world travels, deaths, and more, you grow closer.  You’ll see tragedy and triumph and will grow closer because of them.

Ephesians 5:22-33 holds crucial advice for both wives and husbands:  “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.  So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.  For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.  ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’  This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.  Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  People often want to focus negatively on the scripture about wives being submissive, saying it makes them sound too fragile and incapable, but they fail to see how the command for husbands completes it.  It can be said that fragile things are prettier than tough ones—to see this, compare a tank to a luxury car.  This property of fragility is what makes women more beautiful than their tough male counterparts.  Men and their wives are supposed to be one flesh, but not like Siamese twins going in opposite directions; give yourself wholly to your spouse.  A man should lead by example rather than commanding obedience; men are responsible for their women spiritually, physically, emotionally, and more.  Jesus, the groom, gave His life for you and everyone else.  He was a real man who really gave His all for his bride.  Knowing this kind of love will put other love in a whole new perspective, with His as the great example.  It prompts a man to ask, “who am I to not sacrifice everything for my wife?”

As Christians, we often think we should be spiritual every now and then, with a few devotionals and sermon a week or a special camp each year, and we end up not really knowing God.  Similarly, in marriage, people don’t spend the right time together and don’t know each other very well.  Neither of these cases is acceptable; spend quality time with your God and your spouse.

God will get His way.  He says that wives are not meant to be the head of the household—not because they’re incapable or not smart, but because they shouldn’t have to deal with running the house.  Instead, she should be taken care of by the husband who is taking care of the business and with her through it all, just like Jesus handled the pressure of sin and was (and is, and will be) with His bride through it all.  Be willing to sacrifice for each other’s needs, just like He did.  Be willing to go to the ends of the Earth to know that you are pleasing Him.

Revelation 19:6-10 paints a picture of how weddings should really be, describing the coming wedding of the Lamb:  “And I heard, as it were, the voice of a great multitude, as the sound of many waters and as the sound of mighty thunderings, saying, ‘Alleluia! For the Lord God Omnipotent reigns! Let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready.’ And to her it was granted to be arrayed in fine linen, clean and bright, for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints.  Then he said to me, ‘Write: “Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb!”’ And he said to me, ‘These are the true sayings of God.’ And I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, ‘See that you do not do that! I am your fellow servant, and of your brethren who have the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.’”  We are to rejoice because the marriage of Jesus is coming—and because His bride will have prepared herself.  When humans fell into sin, it broke the relationship, but then God came with the first prophecy of the Messiah.  People built up expectations that He would come and unite the nations and perform large international works, but He instead came as a servant.  Similarly, people build up expectations about weddings, but then it all happens so fast.  The anticipation of the church is building, awaiting His return—the most beautiful thing in history, the marriage of the Lamb to His bride.  It will be spectacular, happening in the blink of an eye, with a honeymoon that will never end:  eternal bliss praising Him.  As His bride, make yourself ready.  It’s the perfect picture of how He intended marriage, with two beings becoming one.  Christ is coming.  Are you anticipating?

Before jumping into a better understanding of dating relationships, you need to have a better understanding of yourself in relation to God.  Bring a strong biblical foundation to the table and you will be able to see how things ought to be.  Christianity is not what many of us who have grown up in churches have been taught that it is—being a good person, doing good things in good ways, hanging around the right people, eating with the right fork, etc.—rather, it’s about loving Jesus and being reconciled to Him for His glory and for our good.  God gives you life that He bought at an incredible price, so you’re no longer your own; you’re His.

You don’t belong to you if you’re in Christ!  Galatians 2:20 enforces this, saying “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”  You can read in 1 Corinthians 7:23 that since “[you] were bought at a price,” you are commanded to “not become slaves of men.”  The life you get to live is on loan, with the Holy Spirit in you and the intent of having you fulfill God’s will for you.  His will is not necessarily for you to be happy (though it will likely come about as a result of your obedience); He wants you to line up with Jesus’ character and spread it to others.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”  Honor Christ and His sacrifice by taking care of this new creation, this new you.  How can you do that?  Turn away from evil and run to the light!  God tells us in 2 Timothy 2:22 to “[flee] also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”  He also reminds us again in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 that we are not our own:  “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”  With all this in mind, the view on dating is seen in an entirely different light from the one of the world.

Remember what is said in Genesis 2:27—“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”  Men and women were both created in His image, but they were created separately and differently.  Scientists in many fields agree that males and females process things differently; it’s simply how we’re made.  Girls, in general, hit puberty and mature relationally sooner than boys do, since girls are wired differently with maternal instincts kicking in earlier than the boys’ paternal instincts.  While little girls like to talk calmly and play with dolls, boys much prefer kicking, burning, stabbing, killing, and other assorted violent actions.  It’s not to say that women can’t be competitive, but men have a stronger desire to conquer, acquire, and win.

The main thing to know about dating is this:  dating is designed to fail in your life.  This is based on three principles, the first of which is the law of diminishing returns.  We are made to give and receive love and to have relationships.  Our culture defines dating by being physical:  for example, the difference between your friend-boy and your boyfriend is that you would hold hands with the boyfriend and not the other.  Your boyfriend would also realize that he can hold your hand without receiving negative feedback, so he would likely try to find something else physical he can do—say, put his arm around you.  As soon as that gets old, he finds another physical step to take with you.  This will continue until he is satisfied or until one or both of you draw a line at which he must stop.  Be careful what you touch, and set firm lines which you will not cross.

A second principle is that mini marriages are followed by mini divorces.  What this means is that our society is in a bad habit of making dating/breakup cycles.  You date someone for shallow reasons, and then you quit when the relationship gets inconvenient or unpleasant.  Getting into a habit like this will destroy your faithfulness and willpower to stay with your partner when married.  Many marriages fail because the people trained themselves to leave when things went south instead of learning to work through the tough times and stick together.

The third guiding principle is simple.  For every person that you date, you will either marry the person or end the relationship with him or her.  Keep in mind that every time you say “I love you” without backing it up with your actions, you’re lying.  Don’t say those three little words if you don’t mean it, even if you feel strong pressure or just think the recipient is hot.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Does this mean that dating is a horrible, evil sin?  No; dating is a critical season of life, and it can be a great way to find your life partner.  However, you need to have the right mindset about dating.  If you belong to Jesus, your values will be different from those of the world.  Date based on a biblical framework that doesn’t defraud the other person.  You can date, but do it right, with Christ in mind.  Recall that you are not your own, so you are certainly not your date’s; don’t give away what isn’t yours.  Do not violate your character or God’s will.  Always, always, always guard your heart.

Here are three sets of life-changing questions to answer before your next date:

1.  How does the world define dating?  What are the core values according to the world?

2.  What are some biblical ways to consider dating?  What are the Bible’s core values and assumptions?

3.  What are some practical steps to retool the way we date?

Think of a guard rail by the road.  It is there to protect you from a dangerous area and is usually backed up from that area by a few feet.  What we need for the friendships in our lives are metaphorical guard rails—that is, personal standards of behavior that become matters of conscience.

Ask yourself what is keeping you from entering the danger area that some of your friends may be living in today.  What is preventing you from falling into those same destructive patterns that have captured your friends?  It may be a guard rail set up by your parents when you were younger.  Your parents set up some of your guard rails as you grow up, barring you from attending certain parties or befriending sketchy characters.  However, your parents can’t walk you through your entire life; you must decide on and build some guard rails of your own.

King Solomon said in Proverbs 13:20 that “[the] one who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.”  Like many other proverbs, this one has two pieces:  a promise and a warning.  The promise is that if you walk with the wise, you will become wise; wisdom is contagious.  On the other hand, the warning is that walking with fools will bring you harm in one way or another.  Take note that walking with fools does not necessarily turn you into a fool; the only guarantee is harm.  Foolish friends are like bombs, with the shrapnel affecting a large circle around the point of impact.  Since wisdom must be worked for, it does not have the domino effect like foolishness does.

Your friends ultimately influence the quality and direction of your life—they’ll either pull you up or drag you down.  Don’t think that you can be the exception to the rule of influence.  You may catch yourself saying that you will never say or do what your sinful, foolish friends are saying and doing, but being their companion will still negatively affect you.  The Bible says that a fool is a person who knows the difference between right and wrong but does not care, saying things will work out in the end; it also says not to try to correct true fools, since they are simply apathetic and will not listen.

The following is a list of times when your conscience should light up in alarm, telling you to pay attention to the guard rails that have been set and not enter the danger zone:

• You realize your core group isn’t moving in the direction in which you and God want your life to be moving.
• You catch yourself pretending to be someone or something other than who you know you truly are.
• You feel pressure to compromise when what has never been a temptation before suddenly becomes an enticing option.
• You hear yourself saying things like “I’ll go, but I won’t participate”—thinking you can stand at the edge the cliff of temptation and resist.
• You hope that the people you care about most don’t find out where and with whom you have been—hoping that you can conceal the evil in your life from those who know the real you.

Stay on the correct (safe) side of the guard rail so you can be healthy and safe enough to help your friends when they crash and end up at the bottom.  It wouldn’t make sense for them to reach out to the helpless others crashed down there to help them out, so instead they beg for help from those in the safe zone above.  Be that person in the safe zone; be the hand that pulls them up, the hand that they can hold.

As time goes on, you’re being forced to face what God wants for your life.  Will you go right back to your same negative friends and never change for the better?  Will you turn your car, your life, around and take it in a new direction of righteousness?  You’ll never regret your guard rails.  The time to set them is NOW—not when you get bogged down in a relationship or a bad situation.  Don’t get so close to the cliff to see how far you can go before you fall.  Back it up, set a guard rail in place, and stay away from the danger.